September 11, 2015

        As I type this, it is long over due... I have yet to write very much about my pregnancy journey as it has all been a bit overwhelming to say the least. Feelings and emotions, fear and excitement, all bundled up into one bump that is growing me out of even my largest clothes! The love I have experienced even without our little guy breathing his first breath of real air, has been something I will never be able to put into words. I have always wanted children, but if I were honest there have been times in my life I doubted God would allow such a blessing. He allowed some not so traditional things to happen in my life that left me wondering how it could possibly still be part of His plan.I was never worried though as adoption has been in my heart since the first time I hugged a sweet child in Guatemala when I was 15 years old. The desire to love and adopt other children as my own is a desire I pray never changes. I feel God has adopted me into a family I do not belong and loves me regardless; therefore the least I can do is try my best to mimic that love and acceptance.

           Having said all of that I have such a gratitude that God in His greatness has allowed me to be the holding and growing home to this precious and yes hyper little boy. On this journey I have experienced so many things. I have laughed more than I have in years and also cried more than I have in years. I honestly hate to blame it all on hormones as God has revealed a side of myself, to myself that I never knew was there and for this I am thankful. I have thought through things I never had really thought about and I have had such a deep empathy for people that I don't believe was even there before. Thinking of  bringing a new life into the world is something I don't want anyone who may have contributed to me or Blake to miss! I wonder what my grandmother would think and what characteristics he may have of hers, I wonder if he will have the sweetness of my grandfathers or the silliness and big heart of his uncle Allen. What will he take from his grandparents? Will he have Blake's features or mine? Will he grow up to do well in school or sports or maybe music? Will we do a good job teaching him to treat girls like ladies or the "church" as Christ says?And will he learn to love The Lord with all of his heart even when the world goes against him? And so for the next 6ish weeks,God teaches me patients.. As not one single question can be answered at this time except that I know his heart beat is good, he has hair and he is a boy... Pretty simple..

            In all of my questions I do wonder when will the week be that he makes his first appearance? When will the day and hour be that we will forever get to celebrate his "birthday"? The excitement is unnerving as I'm frantically running around trying to prepare for his big surprise and then last week for this first time something hit me. My mom and dad were expecting their first born son this time 32 years ago, my mom was about a month ahead of me but she was experiencing many of my same emotions and feelings. Yesterday was the last day that my mom and dad would be a family of 2. For the first time I feel like God gave me a very small glimpse into what my parents may possibly feel like.. A day that you pray for, wait for and hope for, for much of your life finally comes to pass with fears and excitement and smiles and tears all brought together in one day and moment... And for my parents that date was September 11th.  

            As I wait and enjoy every roll, kick, healthy heart beat and yes pound, I can't help but to think about how my mom and dad experienced these same moments with my brother.. I could go on about other things God is teaching me and yes humbling me about through this pregnancy but this was something I felt I should share...and while I know my parents question so many things as I do, I can't help but think how one of my most important questions for Asher has been answered already for them for Allen. Who he looks like, what talents he will take on, what school will he choose, ect are all normal things to wonder, but the one question that outweighs them all, is will he grow to love The Lord ? Will we teach Him the best we can about the overwhelming and beautiful characteristics of God. Will he grow  to learn that God  is to be feared but also a God to love and that loves him even when He feels alone in this world. Will we still, through our sin nature, strive and do our best to  portray and live in the likeness of Christ, In secret and in front of our families and children?... And to all of these,  I can say with confidence that my parents did. I never question Allen's love for The Lord and I know he has made eternity his final destination. My parents did an amazing job  and if I can ever get just a tiny touch of their parenting gifts I will forever be grateful!

           I know there are so many thoughts floating around today as it is September 11th, the day our country began a new journey as well, and still my heart breaks for families who reflect back on today and on their lost loved ones, my heart breaks for the individuals that may not have the peace to know if they will see them again. The person who passed may not have had a relationship with The Lord or the person who is still living on earth may have a lack of understanding about the greatness of Jesus Christ... and for them it is not too late.
        I encourage you to guide and strive after that one question, to help your children and families make The Lord not just an item to be checked off on Sundays but a sincere life or death priority..
        And to my awesome brother I know you are having an amazing time and birthday and I hope little Allen Asher grows to have so many of his Uncle Allen's amazing characteristics!

Love always,
 L