New Years

Ecclesiastes 3:  1 There is a time for everything , and a season for every activity under the Heavens:  2. a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, 3. A time to kill and a time to heal. a time to tear down and a time to build 4.a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance."
 
       Searching for a resume I needed to find, I came across some other saved files on my computer the other night. It is amazing the miracle I see as I reflect back 2 years ago on New Years when I wrote this. I was in a deep, dark place, many probably never see this side very much but it’s there. This was the New Years before last, I was struggling, lonely, mad, hurt and watching my sweet Grandfather battle lymphoma. It was a hard era and at the time looking at my history it seemed impossible to see the light and understand how things could ever get better. Three very important men in my life were taken so quickly together. Some may think it strange to share such a dark note from my past but to me it’s just another testimony of how far God can bring us. Honestly when I am in those deep, dark places myself I want so badly to read that someone else has been there and made it through. Again if we allow it, in those dark places Gods light shines the brightest.. Two years in a row on New Years Eve I sat at home alone. I was not excited to celebrate another year without my loved ones and was not looking very forward to my future without them. I knew God had a plan for my life but I sure couldn’t see a single part of it. I was a misfit for sure. As always God was up to something but this is how I felt in the mean time of learning what that "something" was....

“The carefree days full of smiles, giggles and true joy of the simple hope for the future is now a part of the past. The smiles fade, the dreams crushed and the joy I once knew is diminished. There is a certain purity I once found in the future, similar to the purity of a new born child. I saw dreams coming true and excitement in what the future would hold; now it’s almost as if I’m standing in the fog, my view of the future has changed and everyday I see this life becoming more and more clouded. It has now been tainted. I want them to come back to me so bad. I can’t breath, I can’t think, I can’t love, I can’t sing, I literally ache for them. Their absence has a left a hole. I feel all my joy has been stolen, I have been done wrong and I will never be the same. I try to keep living, keep pressing forward, but slowly I feel myself being pulled back, I fight and fight and many times feel no help from the one I know has the strength. I wake in the mornings confused between this life and my dreams. Which one is real, which is better? Am I living the nightmare, I would think so. I many times wake up still thinking I will wake to him. I miss him and still think I can call my brother to talk about my hurt. I’m lonely but yet I know I’m blessed and loved by God. I sometimes get caught in the eye of the storm and seem to get some peace, but now I feel like I’m caught in the middle of the strongest wind speeds. I want the days I once had back, or I want this to be over, I’m sick of hurting, and trying to move on only to find I’m mentally and emotionally all messed up, and may never love again. I don’t know if I have any of that “once in a lifetime love” left to give. I’m lost and missing them. Yet again, I’m sitting at home alone on the beginning of a New Year. My grandfather was rushed to the emergency room today and can not walk, what kind of timing is our God up to? I don’t like it, but I’m not God. I will submit and be His; for I don’t know what else to do or where else to go. I’m learning daily that this life will let me down, it is not dependable and although I’m going to be completely honest and say I feel also like my God has let me down I know it is simply because I am human. The ways of our God can not be comprehended or figured out. He is God, He is Lord, and though I may feel like He has turned his back on me at times, I know he hasn’t! I know He is saying “Leslie I’m holding on to you so just look up, look up to me and you will see joy, look up to me and you will see peace, look up to me and you will see love, because I am all of these things”. There is no greater love than that of our Father. The only step I must make is putting my eyes on Him and not this world. I will not find peace, joy or love to fill my voids in anyone but the creator, Lord of all, everlasting King. He stands through out the ages, and He never passes away, and though I may feel failed, alone, cheated, and robbed, I am not, this will pass and the season will change. He has never left my side.”

         Although flash backs from the feelings in this note will never completely go away, the hurt will never leave and the missing faces from Holiday pictures will always be a fresh pain year after year; We serve a God that restores, heals and gives us strength through the pain. He has a map for our lives and has rest stops and adventures  already planned out.

My how things change....later that same year I wrote this note God sent me a surprise....

Blake walked into the doors of Pathway church at the end of that spring and right into my life. God used him to teach me how to laugh, love and dream again. As Blake listened to me talk for hours about everything from, teaching and mission work to moose hunting in Canada; he also listened with his heart as I spoke about Justin and Allen. He was never intimidated, never threatened. I often wondered if he had been trained on how to handle a widow because he was so sensitive and considerate of my needs. I was amazed. He wanted to respect not only me but Justin, who was this guy?. I remember Blake telling me he never wanted me to feel like I couldn’t express that I still loved Justin or feel like I couldn’t talk about him and the cherished times we had together. He also told me he wanted me to always keep those special things about Justin and I close to my heart and never let them go…. I was falling for this tall handsome, sweet, Godly man quick and anyone could see why. The truth is Blakes desire and love for God is what I fell in love with. He was obedient, patient and allowed God to use him. He has told me many times now, that some nights he would just drive off praying after we hung out because he had no idea what to say or how to act or if it was even okay to hold my hand. Hahaha.

       Some how as God was teaching Blake, he was teaching me and softening my heart also. The next challenge came when I realized I had fallen for a soldier of the U.S. Army! Planning to go on active duty I knew that my family had been through enough and my place was with them. Through countless tears and prayers I finally came to the peace that if God wanted us together He would make a way to give us both a peace, a compromise. It wasn’t long after this prayer that the small window of time for Blake to go National Guard became available. That’s all I needed; It was our sign. We grew closer and God brought us together. The proposal and ceremony is another blog in itself but it was so special, it was hard without my big brother but I believe he was somehow there in spirit, smiling.. I could feel the presence of God and I knew what a gift, a second chance at life and love I had been given and the gratitude in my heart was so strong. Deep down I know that Justin would love Blake. Sometimes I wonder if he and Allen had a part in picking Blake for me. Justin loved our Country more than anyone I have ever known and he loved our troops! Sitting in a restaurant in the airport on our way home from our honeymoon there was a man in uniform, Justin was determined the least he could do to show his appreciation was to buy this troops meal, so he did just that. This happened multiple times on our honeymoon in the airport, like I said Justin loved our troops =) I like to think now that was my small sign of Justins’ approval for Blake. I almost feel like Justin has bought Blakes meal as token of appreciation for not only serving our country but for keeping an eye and blanket of protection on me as well and for loving me. It’s such a unique love we have. Blake played baseball in high school and college so he somewhat remembers both my brother and Justin. Every now and then a honky tonk country song will come on and Blake will say “this song reminds me of Justin”  or "this reminds me of Allen" and at that moment my heart smiles because I know I have once again found that “once in a lifetime love”. To think that one could love not once but twice is hard to comprehend, I always thought for sure it would never be an equal love and I was right. Although I would never say I love one more than the other, I would say each love is so special and one of a kind, there is no way to ever compare one to the other and for that gift I am so thankful!  An outsider looking in would probably think this was crazy, all messed up and just strange but to me it’s my life, it’s unique and has been given by God and in it’s own way it is a beautiful mess.

        Looking back on 2011 I had a blessed year. I married and fell in love with an amazing man. I had plenty of crazy, fun adventures with alligator hunting, skiing, and fishing! In 2011 I also had some battles with my physical body as well. Sometimes it takes pain in the physical for God to teach us more in the spiritual. I always try to remember, when we are our weakest, we allow Him to be the strongest. I'm so thankful God has allowed me to write a little brighter note this New Years also! So this 2012 let us all remember to not wish our life away with all of our goals and resolutions but be thankful for each day, each love, each memory and each blessing big or small that He gives us. Let us heal with His power in the body and soul, let our faith and trust be ONLY in Him and let us not fear the future but fear the Lord.for that is the beginning of wisdom. (Prov. 9:10) 
Happy New Year to Everyone!
Leslie