Today I had the opportunity to spend the entire day on the beach alone. I can only remember one other time that I have ever really gone to the beach and laid out all alone. I was able to watch the waves come in and crash on the shore and look up at the beautiful clear sky. I also saw a crazy woman running up and down the beach yelling "Everyone out of the water! There is a 6 foot shark in the water!!" I thought it was comical, I'm not sure if the shark was ever honestly spotted or not but as far as I could see everyone was running out of the water onto the beach because of this woman. I feel for the people who do not have the opportunity to go to the beach all the time. Putting all of this aside, during my time today I had the chance to just have some quiet time and boy was it nice!
It may just be me, but in my Christian walk I have good and bad days. I have days where I have never been so close to God and I feel like he is attached at my hip but then I also have days that I have never felt so far from God, where I feel like I could pray one minute and do something so ungodly the next. (these times scare me); however I'm so thankful for His grace. It's amazing to me how sometimes when we just simply get away from life everything seems to become so clear! Most days my head drives me crazy because it never shuts up! Today and the past few days I have felt Gods presence surrounding me more than I have in a while. The sad fact is, He hasn’t changed He has always been there, I just allow my mind to become so clouded. I have been struggling over a year now with the entire concept of "why am I still here.. What is my purpose"?
Tonight as I was coming home I looked up at the stars like I do many nights and every time I look up I can’t help but wonder how far "they" are from me. I can’t help but question everything that exists as I know it and I can't help but question everything from beginning to end, known and unknown. Maybe I should not be admitting all of this but I feel there are many others that do the exact same thing. As I question, I begin to feel bad for second guessing everything. I then realize God created us to wonder and question and that very fact, that I was "created", is answer enough to so many of my questions. It is at that point the faith begins to take over.
I have realized more than ever in the last year that as much as I wish I could get in some peoples hearts and let them feel what I feel sometimes, this is not possible. I want others to realize and value their life and what a GIFT (meaning,loan from God) it is! I want them to understand how quick it can all pass by. The truth is they will never know how I feel; Just like I may not understand them. As I gaze at the stars I often ask and wonder "where exactly are they, how many miles, how many layers of atmospheres, how many galaxies, or how many light years are they away.????" These questions I wonder daily and daily I still can not comprehend all of Gods creation. Daily I’m still told "No, you can't see them yet.”. I never would have believed I would wake up and think "Will I get to see them today? will today be the day?" but I do.. I can’t help it. I think about it so much that it's like they are almost just in a distant country; I even forget sometime that I must die to see them. I know this is all crazy but what I have realized is that this thinking of "will today be the day?" should be all of our mind sets, the sad fact remains that it isn’t. Life comes in and we get distracted......
One of the hardest things for me through the healing process is that I find myself not being able to understand most people my own age. This is simply because of what I have been through. Many 22 year olds think of themselves as just young kids in college, there to have a great time. I am different, I am a 22 year old widow.. something you think of more for an 80 year old woman. I have a hard time with this, it has made it very hard to understand God, it seems so unfair to me. A favorite song of mine states…”I made you promises a thousand times, I try to hear from Heaven but I talk the whole time, I think I made you too small, I never feared you at all, if you touched my face would I know you? Looked into my eyes could I behold you? What do I know of you, who spoke me into motion, where have I even stood, but the shore along your ocean? Are you fire are furry? Are you sacred? Are you beautiful? So what do I know, what do I know of Holly?” This song is truly how I feel.. I thought I had God somewhat figured out but now I realize I could NEVER come close to figuring Him out and that is perfectly okay. He is still my God, He is still my Father and He is still who I choose to put my trust in.
Beth Moore said something the other day that really hit home with me. She said "You can not amputate your history from your destiny" I catch myself wanting to be like others, I wish I could have that carefree thinking like life is just fair and about being happy all the time .. I soon realize the truth. I can not pretend I haven’t been dealt the life I have or that I am simply normal. I must realize that life is not fair and that I will not always be happy... I have to realize that my history, the story of my husband and my brother is now my story.. I can't run from it, I can't keep thinking I’m going to wake up and this is all going to have been a dream.. I feel it is my duty and the least I can do to use my history "their" history to fulfill my destiny.. Just food for thought, what is your history that will lead you to your destiny??
Be Blessed!
It may just be me, but in my Christian walk I have good and bad days. I have days where I have never been so close to God and I feel like he is attached at my hip but then I also have days that I have never felt so far from God, where I feel like I could pray one minute and do something so ungodly the next. (these times scare me); however I'm so thankful for His grace. It's amazing to me how sometimes when we just simply get away from life everything seems to become so clear! Most days my head drives me crazy because it never shuts up! Today and the past few days I have felt Gods presence surrounding me more than I have in a while. The sad fact is, He hasn’t changed He has always been there, I just allow my mind to become so clouded. I have been struggling over a year now with the entire concept of "why am I still here.. What is my purpose"?
Tonight as I was coming home I looked up at the stars like I do many nights and every time I look up I can’t help but wonder how far "they" are from me. I can’t help but question everything that exists as I know it and I can't help but question everything from beginning to end, known and unknown. Maybe I should not be admitting all of this but I feel there are many others that do the exact same thing. As I question, I begin to feel bad for second guessing everything. I then realize God created us to wonder and question and that very fact, that I was "created", is answer enough to so many of my questions. It is at that point the faith begins to take over.
I have realized more than ever in the last year that as much as I wish I could get in some peoples hearts and let them feel what I feel sometimes, this is not possible. I want others to realize and value their life and what a GIFT (meaning,loan from God) it is! I want them to understand how quick it can all pass by. The truth is they will never know how I feel; Just like I may not understand them. As I gaze at the stars I often ask and wonder "where exactly are they, how many miles, how many layers of atmospheres, how many galaxies, or how many light years are they away.????" These questions I wonder daily and daily I still can not comprehend all of Gods creation. Daily I’m still told "No, you can't see them yet.”. I never would have believed I would wake up and think "Will I get to see them today? will today be the day?" but I do.. I can’t help it. I think about it so much that it's like they are almost just in a distant country; I even forget sometime that I must die to see them. I know this is all crazy but what I have realized is that this thinking of "will today be the day?" should be all of our mind sets, the sad fact remains that it isn’t. Life comes in and we get distracted......
One of the hardest things for me through the healing process is that I find myself not being able to understand most people my own age. This is simply because of what I have been through. Many 22 year olds think of themselves as just young kids in college, there to have a great time. I am different, I am a 22 year old widow.. something you think of more for an 80 year old woman. I have a hard time with this, it has made it very hard to understand God, it seems so unfair to me. A favorite song of mine states…”I made you promises a thousand times, I try to hear from Heaven but I talk the whole time, I think I made you too small, I never feared you at all, if you touched my face would I know you? Looked into my eyes could I behold you? What do I know of you, who spoke me into motion, where have I even stood, but the shore along your ocean? Are you fire are furry? Are you sacred? Are you beautiful? So what do I know, what do I know of Holly?” This song is truly how I feel.. I thought I had God somewhat figured out but now I realize I could NEVER come close to figuring Him out and that is perfectly okay. He is still my God, He is still my Father and He is still who I choose to put my trust in.
Beth Moore said something the other day that really hit home with me. She said "You can not amputate your history from your destiny" I catch myself wanting to be like others, I wish I could have that carefree thinking like life is just fair and about being happy all the time .. I soon realize the truth. I can not pretend I haven’t been dealt the life I have or that I am simply normal. I must realize that life is not fair and that I will not always be happy... I have to realize that my history, the story of my husband and my brother is now my story.. I can't run from it, I can't keep thinking I’m going to wake up and this is all going to have been a dream.. I feel it is my duty and the least I can do to use my history "their" history to fulfill my destiny.. Just food for thought, what is your history that will lead you to your destiny??
Be Blessed!
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