Power in Praise, Part 1 (written July 16, 2010)

       “I will exalt you, you are my God. My hiding place my safe refuge, my treasure Lord you are, my friend and king, anointed one, most Holy”. “The wonder of your love will break the chains that bind us, the power of your touch releases us to worship, sing unto God. Sing hallelujah, with all we are we will worship You.” These words are anointed and sung by the wonderful group Hillsong. The power of worship is amazing. I never truly understood the power in praise until I could not do anything else. It was the lowest place I have ever been in my life and when I think back on that day and the emotions that I felt, I know even more that it is only by the power of God that I am able to live. It was the funeral of two great men in my life. Holding my sister in laws hand, we walked down the same aisle that we both had walked down just months before to give our hearts to the men of our life. Now, gasping for air we walked as if going to battle, back down that aisle to celebrate those two same wonderful men we fell so in love with. The spirit of God was like a blanket that came and lay over every person in that church. My uncle was singing a song that had been prepared but never sang, the words were beautiful; “ You awaken my heart from slumbering, you lead me in mourning and you speak to my grief… I trust that every moments in your hands, You’re the God of my days, King of my nights, Lord of my laughter, Sovereign in sorrow, You’re the Prince of praise, the love of my life, You never leave me, You are faithful, God of my days. My eyes are You, my hope is in You, my faith is in You.” As we sang this song it was truly a cry for help, although I believed those words with everything in me, I was not strong enough to pray them much less think of them myself. 

       When I fully submitted to God and recognized the power of His mighty hand I simply closed my eyes and all I could do was cry.. God knew my heart, He knew that if I had the strength to say those words I would, but as I listened to them, I grew stronger. I began to realize that I had no other choice but to trust that EVERY moment, happy or sad was in His hands. I knew that He was truly sovereign through my sorrow and that He would NEVER leave me. No longer were my eyes on my problems but my eyes, hope and faith were on Him, and by that, they were on His will, His plan for my life, His purpose and His eternal love. To have faith when your world is shattered feels like your standing in the middle of a war zone with blinders on. It doesn’t make sense to anyone and most of the times not even to ourselves; however, God puts’ His spirit in us when we come to Him and He gives us the strength. 

        As I began to believe these words I lifted my hands and sang to Him with everything in me. The burden I was carrying was lifted off of me like a ton of bricks, the worry I had was no longer mine, I was in full submission to God. I recognized I was too weak to make it on my own and that I didn’t know what was going on or how He could allow this to happen to my family; but by putting my thoughts aside and giving it to God my life has been changed. It has allowed Him to use his spirit to speak to me when other times I get too busy to listen.
        Four days later I was standing in a high school auditorium waiting to speak, as we sang the words “I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on and there will be an end to these struggles but until that day comes, still I will praise You, still I will praise You! Singing, Oh no. You never let go through the calm and through the storm, oh no You never let go, every high and every low, oh no You never let go, Lord You never let go of me”. I once again came back to that same spirit of worship. As I stood there I thought about all of my plans, all of the things Justin and I was planning to do and had done. I thought about Allen and his plans and all the times we had shared together, then I thought about Gods plans. I thought about how I can never go to the beach with them again and how I can never go hunting or to the movies or to get ice cream with either of them, ever again. Then so clear I heard “ but Leslie you can still worship with them,” if you cant do anything else with them, what better thing to do than come into our Lords presence and join with them to worship.
         Every time I hear those words I picture Justin sitting on our couch in our tiny apartment singing that song and just worshipping with a smile on his face, right there in our living room. And every time I think about it my heart gets so full. So to me praise has taken on a new meaning. I do not believe it’s simply just an act or something we are suppose to do, but for me it is a means of survival. Still to this day it is my air when I’m drowning. I still have those awful days, not sure if they ever go away. I have my moments when all I do is cry and I know what I need to do. I get in my car, most of the time it is my "alone place", blare my worship music and sing and praise God, as He draws me into His sweet spirit I begin to cry because I am so unworthy but at the same time I am so thankful he knows exactly how to speak to my soul. I let the Lord take me in, where I can feel His embrace and get completely lost in Him. I cry and sometimes even as I sing I believe that the devil would like nothing more than to make my speakers bust or to let the phone ring. Sometimes, we have to turn the speaker down and WE have to sing louder. I sing sometimes in a way that I’m proving the devil wrong. When we praise, the devil can’t stand it, He gets furious because he realizes he has not won. The devil tries his best to hurt us, make us mad at God, and to make us turn our backs on Him, but when we don’t and we still remain faithful it drives him crazy. When you finally get to that place where the world could be falling down around you, but you want to stay right where you are because you do not want to lose that spirit and comfort God provides; It is amazing and that is where the healing takes place, that is where God is able to come in and clear our minds and speak to us. Many times it may feel like we are in a marathon for our life, but just know that He is there to be our water, our strength and one day when we cross that finish line He will be right there cheering us on, saying “WELL DONE ” and I even imagine a big high five!

" May God himself, The God who makes everything holy and whole, make you holy and whole, put you together-spirit, soul, and body- and keep you fit for the coming of our Master, Jesus Christ."
1 Thessalonians 5:23 MSG

March 15 2010

If I were to write a love letter
To the one who holds my heart,
It would never end
And new chapters would always start.

A walk down memory lane,
would be a walk down the streets of gold.
There would be no more pain
As you have my life to have and to hold.

I want so bad to touch you.
I want to feel you here
and at times you seem so distant
But your spirits always near.

The nights seem to never end
And the days seem so alone.
I long for the day I’ll see you
And I am called home.

My heart will never hurt again
And the tears will disappear.
Ill understand the way
And no longer have any fear.

Ill know why you had to leave
And why you could not stay.

Ill see every life that was changed
And all the souls that were saved.
Ill see all the mended families
And the ones who’s way was paved.

Ill see the honor in your eyes
And the love you came to be,
And then I’ll realize
I could never love you, nearly as much as you love me.

Ill see all my faults and failures
And the times I lost my way
And the times I came running back
Just to hear you say;

“It was all worth it in the end
And I’ll love you everyday.
When you can’t take another step
Ill carry you all the way.

There’s nothing you can ever do
to change the love
That runs so deep and true.
It was bought with a price and shed with my blood.

I’ll love you until the end of time,
Where you will see my view
And I promise, your world WILL have rhyme.

Where every key and every note
Will be formed and fashioned
To be the most beautiful song ever wrote.

I will be waiting here for you,
When your time on earth has past.
After all that you go through
Eternity will forever last.

You’ll feel my embrace
And at that moment you’ll know
Your sins are forever erased.”

I think back on that two lane road
And the hurt comes flooding in.
Where the brokenness that was found there
Can’t be describe or wrote with a pen.

And now theres two small crosses
And a heart carved in a tree,
Where two love stories came to an end on this earth
But in Heaven will forever be.

But on that hill
There were three crosses
And one that stood for all;
To carry all my burdens
And help me when I fall.

To love me when no one else can
To touch my heart
and take my hand.

He comforts me on days like this,
As I cry and need him now.
He knows I do not understand
Or see why or how;

He could take someone I love so much
Who could finish my every sentence
And melt me with his touch.

He was my soul mate from the start
As we laughed and talked for hours
And prayed we would never part

But there is one who knows me,
Even better than I know myself;
Who has a perfect plan from above,
That was sealed with a kiss and sent with his love.

So until that day comes
And I fall at your feet,
My heart will be yours
With every step and every beat.

I’ll praise you all through the day
No matter where I go or what I do
In my heart you will forever stay.

From the moment I walked down the aisle to become your bride
Through the hurt and the pain,
You have remained faithfully by my side.
And I will never be the same.

So now, to you my love I send.
Please hear me now;
My God, Redeemer and Best Friend

Let him know how much I love him,
And miss every second of the day.
Tell him I may get lost at times
But I promise to find my way....

Today Justin and I would have been married 2 years. What a Journey God has taken us on, but I know that in His time we will be together again.
With Love,
Leslie

The Letter (written June 3, 2008)

This is the letter I wrote for my husband (Justin Bedsole) and brother (Allen West) funeral. The accident happened on May 30, 2008, and The funeral was held on June 3, 2008. I am once again amazed by our gracious Lord. The words of this letter I feel are God given. When I was weak and had no words, he gave me strength and wrote his words in my heart. I pray this letter reaches in your heart and portrays how we can still have Faith, that God knows what He is doing even when it makes no sense to us; Hope, that through our most troubled times God is working everything out and He still has a plan for our lives; and Love, when we feel we have nothing left to offer....

Funeral letter from Leslie

      In these times of heart ach and sadness, I cannot comprehend how a non Christian could get from one day to the next. When me and my brother were playing in the woods, going hunting together and making up silly songs, I never would have believed something like this could happen to my family and I. He loved life and loved people. Most of all he loved God. I remember the day I truly believe Allen fell in love with Jessica. He called me and I could hear it in his voice as he shared his feelings about her to me. They have a wonderful amazing love story. His feelings for Jessica were feeling of true happiness, passion and love.
      When we least expect things, God does a little something to make us realize He is still there and in control. When I look back on Justin and Allen’s lives I now can almost see the picture beginning to unfold. I am reminded of ALL the things God allowed to happen; and though I do not like it and will always wonder why He chose to do it like this, I know everything is all a part of a wonderful plan.
      On November 13, 1986 a wonderful boy was brought into this world and at that time God knew what he would face in life. He knew that he would surrender his life to Him. In all of this he blessed Justin with wonderful parents to help guide him, and also parents that He knew would be strong enough to endure this tragedy. He knew that these parents would not turn their backs on Him, but would thank him for having him the time they did. God instilled in Justin love, hard work, and most of all a heart that could be molded. Justin like Allen was dedicated in this very church, Pathway. Little did these wonderful sets of parents realize when they gave their sons back to God and said “you gave him to me, now I give him back to you” that God would use them to change and impact thousands of lives. In all of this turmoil and sadness it its such an amazing peace I have because I know they are Gods children.
       When Justin and I went on our first date it was amazing and I just knew he was special. He had the most amazing heart, and I soon realized he was everything I could ever want in a man. He was the most honest person I have ever met. He clicked with my family, and I always knew when it was the right person, everything was going to be perfect and it was. We dated a few more years and when he decided to pop the question I remember he called my dad and said “Mr. Gary we need to talk” my dad got off the phone and said “Leslie do you know what he wants to talk to me about? If he asks me to marry you do you want me to say yes or no?” I said “Yes, I know he is the one… you told me to find a man that worked hard, loved me and most of all loved God, what more could I want?” We were engaged on May 26, 2007, and we were married on March 15, 2008. I remember when we began to help with the youth, Justin started feeling this amazing call on his life. I can not begin to describe the feelings I felt when he would say “Leslie I keep reading the Bible and trying to figure out what it is and I just don’t know, and it scares me.” God was tugging at his heart. I remember him telling me “I just keep praying that God will close doors that need to be closed and open doors that need to be opened. It was almost a year ago when I finally remember Justin telling me he knew God wanted him in the ministry, and he said “I have given it ALL over to God and I told Him I would do WHATEVER, He needed me to do.” But he was so scared of what he was going to have to do. See he knew it was something special, something he could not comprehend or understand, but he was willing to do what he had to.
        I never could have imagined such a tragedy. I will never forget our time together. I am so blessed and honored to marry Justin. He was the greatest blessing I could have ever asked for. When Justin prayed “God use me, close doors and open doors” He never would have believed this was the way he was going to have to do it. God our wonderful Father closed this door here on earth for all to see and witness but then he opened a door beyond all comprehension for Justin and Allen to walk through. Justin did not realize this was what God was trying to get him to and this is how he was going to be used. I know that if he knew the influence and the way people have changed their lives; he and Allen both would do it all over again.          One of my favorite quotes is “A True Love Story has no Ending” the last place Justin and I traveled to together was paradise on earth and I can not explain the excitement I feel when I think about walking the streets of gold to see him in our one true paradise. He was so wonderful to me, the best husband I could have ever asked for. I never knew it was possible to love someone the way I love him. Every time I want them to come back to me it's like God says “but Leslie they are so happy now!” and that makes me smile a smile I did not even know was there.

In love that only our Lord and Savior can understand,
Leslie

May 30th 2009 (1 year)

       Wow! I can’t believe summer has come and gone so fast. Where did it go? School gets kicked off this week and once school starts the year seems to fly by! I have had an amazing summer. Its amazing how in the midst of our busy schedules, appointments, classes, stress and hurt God still manages to let us see the rays of sunshine, feel the warmth and embrace of his spirit, and smell his oh, so sweet aroma that covers this earth! I was blessed to take a few trips this summer that were amazing. I went on my first cruise at the beginning of the summer! My mother and father in law are great and were nice enough to take me. It was great! I have never laid out and ate so much in my life! It was a great time to bond and enjoy each others company. My sister in law Jenna is amazing! ;-) 
     A couple of weeks later, a day I dreaded for a year was quickly approaching. Like I said it’s amazing how fast time flies. It was May 30th. This is the year date of my husband and brothers deaths. Times like these you never know how you are going to feel or handle the situation. Although we know God can bring us through anything, our human flesh takes over sometimes and we just don’t know if we are going to make it another day. Thank God that He puts people in our life to carry and hold our hand every step of this crazy journey through life. I have been blessed with the most amazing friends a girl could ask for! As the date drew nearer, I had so many different emotions and feelings going on inside of my head and heart. At times I would feel so broken and tell myself “ok on that day I’m just going to sit in my room and cry all day.” Awful idea, I know. Other times I would tell myself I’m just going to be everyone’s support. This I have discovered is my weakness. I have the personality that I think I must “fix” everyone and help them. This can be great but when I don’t focus on letting “Leslie heal”, I’m of no use to any one else. But that was thought #2, I need to be home so I could be there for everyone else. Then thought #3 came in. Me and my best friends would take a trip together. My parents didn’t like this idea very much because it started off with me and my girl friends wanting to go to Tennessee and camp in a tent! Well first of all we have no clue how to even put a tent up, secondly, we could get eaten by something or killed by someone and thirdly, my parents naturally dreaded me driving on the roads on May 30th. But after many prayers and thoughts, I decided a trip was exactly what I need! I had never taken a trip with just my friends, all on our own. 
        We left on Wednesday, May 27th and drove to Nashville, Tn. We got dressed, went out and saw Blake Shelton out!! We were like little girls having a crush on a silly boy band! We secretly took pictures and ended up talking to his best friend. We got up the next day went to the Country Music Hall of Fame, which in Justin’s words would have been “So Awesome!” He was a HUGE George Strait and Johnny Cash fan. They now are a huge part of my music collection. We left from Nashville and drove to a little town called Benton, Tn. We stayed in the most beautiful cabin. I seriously could have stayed there forever. We were about 25 minutes from the Ocoee. So we drove up and went mountain biking in the national forest, kayaking on the Ocoee Lake and the last day (May 30th) rafted down the Ocoee! I loved every minute of it!

        The last time I went rafting down the Ocoee I was with Justin and the time before that I was with Allen. I can’t begin to put into words the peace God allows us to have at times, but it was as if they were there with me, having a blast. I can so vividly picture them laughing trying to throw me in the river. It seemed just when I was about to have a melt down I could here their voices saying “Leslie we taught you how to have fun! We taught you how to laugh and enjoy life, so enjoy it! Its okay to smile today, it’s okay to be simply okay and happy!” I will never forget that day and the words I know God allowed my spirit to hear. I had a peace I can’t describe. God also placed great Christian friends in my life, Amber and Natalie you girls were troopers! Thank you so much for going with me! God knows what we need and He knows when we need it. His timing is perfect! After all He invented time! 
         Needless to say a weekend that I dreaded turned out to be an amazing, life changing weekend! We were surrounded by Gods beautiful creation and nature. A wonderful past teacher used to tell me “Everything in the Natural reflects the Spiritual and everything in the Spiritual reflects the Natural” This is so true. The mountains, the river, the trees, the lake, the animals all reflect God and his perfection! If you ever have a chance to just take in His creation I promise it can be life changing! During this trip God taught me that although it was hard and terrible, He brought me through this past year and if I can make it this far, there is hope I can make it in the future! 

*Jeremiah 29:11* “For I know the plan I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” I hold true to these words!
Thanks Jerry! 

Food For Thought written August 5, 2009

      Today I had the opportunity to spend the entire day on the beach alone. I can only remember one other time that I have ever really gone to the beach and laid out all alone. I was able to watch the waves come in and crash on the shore and look up at the beautiful clear sky. I also saw a crazy woman running up and down the beach yelling "Everyone out of the water! There is a 6 foot shark in the water!!" I thought it was comical, I'm not sure if the shark was ever honestly spotted or not but as far as I could see everyone was running out of the water onto the beach because of this woman. I feel for the people who do not have the opportunity to go to the beach all the time. Putting all of this aside, during my time today I had the chance to just have some quiet time and boy was it nice!
       It may just be me, but in my Christian walk I have good and bad days. I have days where I have never been so close to God and I feel like he is attached at my hip but then I also have days that I have never felt so far from God, where I feel like I could pray one minute and do something so ungodly the next. (these times scare me); however I'm so thankful for His grace. It's amazing to me how sometimes when we just simply get away from life everything seems to become so clear! Most days my head drives me crazy because it never shuts up! Today and the past few days I have felt Gods presence surrounding me more than I have in a while. The sad fact is, He hasn’t changed He has always been there, I just allow my mind to become so clouded. I have been struggling over a year now with the entire concept of "why am I still here.. What is my purpose"?
       Tonight as I was coming home I looked up at the stars like I do many nights and every time I look up I can’t help but wonder how far "they" are from me. I can’t help but question everything that exists as I know it and I can't help but question everything from beginning to end, known and unknown. Maybe I should not be admitting all of this but I feel there are many others that do the exact same thing. As I question, I begin to feel bad for second guessing everything. I then realize God created us to wonder and question and that very fact, that I was "created", is answer enough to so many of my questions. It is at that point the faith begins to take over.
      I have realized more than ever in the last year that as much as I wish I could get in some peoples hearts and let them feel what I feel sometimes, this is not possible. I want others to realize and value their life and what a GIFT (meaning,loan from God) it is! I want them to understand how quick it can all pass by. The truth is they will never know how I feel; Just like I may not understand them. As I gaze at the stars I often ask and wonder "where exactly are they, how many miles, how many layers of atmospheres, how many galaxies, or how many light years are they away.????" These questions I wonder daily and daily I still can not comprehend all of Gods creation. Daily I’m still told "No, you can't see them yet.”. I never would have believed I would wake up and think "Will I get to see them today? will today be the day?" but I do.. I can’t help it. I think about it so much that it's like they are almost just in a distant country; I even forget sometime that I must die to see them. I know this is all crazy but what I have realized is that this thinking of "will today be the day?" should be all of our mind sets, the sad fact remains that it isn’t. Life comes in and we get distracted......
         One of the hardest things for me through the healing process is that I find myself not being able to understand most people my own age. This is simply because of what I have been through. Many 22 year olds think of themselves as just young kids in college, there to have a great time. I am different, I am a 22 year old widow.. something you think of more for an 80 year old woman. I have a hard time with this, it has made it very hard to understand God, it seems so unfair to me. A favorite song of mine states…”I made you promises a thousand times, I try to hear from Heaven but I talk the whole time, I think I made you too small, I never feared you at all, if you touched my face would I know you? Looked into my eyes could I behold you? What do I know of you, who spoke me into motion, where have I even stood, but the shore along your ocean? Are you fire are furry? Are you sacred? Are you beautiful? So what do I know, what do I know of Holly?” This song is truly how I feel.. I thought I had God somewhat figured out but now I realize I could NEVER come close to figuring Him out and that is perfectly okay. He is still my God, He is still my Father and He is still who I choose to put my trust in.
            Beth Moore said something the other day that really hit home with me. She said "You can not amputate your history from your destiny" I catch myself wanting to be like others, I wish I could have that carefree thinking like life is just fair and about being happy all the time .. I soon realize the truth. I can not pretend I haven’t been dealt the life I have or that I am simply normal. I must realize that life is not fair and that I will not always be happy... I have to realize that my history, the story of my husband and my brother is now my story.. I can't run from it, I can't keep thinking I’m going to wake up and this is all going to have been a dream.. I feel it is my duty and the least I can do to use my history "their" history to fulfill my destiny.. Just food for thought, what is your history that will lead you to your destiny?? 
Be Blessed!

New Years

Ecclesiastes 3:  1 There is a time for everything , and a season for every activity under the Heavens:  2. a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, 3. A time to kill and a time to heal. a time to tear down and a time to build 4.a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance."
 
       Searching for a resume I needed to find, I came across some other saved files on my computer the other night. It is amazing the miracle I see as I reflect back 2 years ago on New Years when I wrote this. I was in a deep, dark place, many probably never see this side very much but it’s there. This was the New Years before last, I was struggling, lonely, mad, hurt and watching my sweet Grandfather battle lymphoma. It was a hard era and at the time looking at my history it seemed impossible to see the light and understand how things could ever get better. Three very important men in my life were taken so quickly together. Some may think it strange to share such a dark note from my past but to me it’s just another testimony of how far God can bring us. Honestly when I am in those deep, dark places myself I want so badly to read that someone else has been there and made it through. Again if we allow it, in those dark places Gods light shines the brightest.. Two years in a row on New Years Eve I sat at home alone. I was not excited to celebrate another year without my loved ones and was not looking very forward to my future without them. I knew God had a plan for my life but I sure couldn’t see a single part of it. I was a misfit for sure. As always God was up to something but this is how I felt in the mean time of learning what that "something" was....

“The carefree days full of smiles, giggles and true joy of the simple hope for the future is now a part of the past. The smiles fade, the dreams crushed and the joy I once knew is diminished. There is a certain purity I once found in the future, similar to the purity of a new born child. I saw dreams coming true and excitement in what the future would hold; now it’s almost as if I’m standing in the fog, my view of the future has changed and everyday I see this life becoming more and more clouded. It has now been tainted. I want them to come back to me so bad. I can’t breath, I can’t think, I can’t love, I can’t sing, I literally ache for them. Their absence has a left a hole. I feel all my joy has been stolen, I have been done wrong and I will never be the same. I try to keep living, keep pressing forward, but slowly I feel myself being pulled back, I fight and fight and many times feel no help from the one I know has the strength. I wake in the mornings confused between this life and my dreams. Which one is real, which is better? Am I living the nightmare, I would think so. I many times wake up still thinking I will wake to him. I miss him and still think I can call my brother to talk about my hurt. I’m lonely but yet I know I’m blessed and loved by God. I sometimes get caught in the eye of the storm and seem to get some peace, but now I feel like I’m caught in the middle of the strongest wind speeds. I want the days I once had back, or I want this to be over, I’m sick of hurting, and trying to move on only to find I’m mentally and emotionally all messed up, and may never love again. I don’t know if I have any of that “once in a lifetime love” left to give. I’m lost and missing them. Yet again, I’m sitting at home alone on the beginning of a New Year. My grandfather was rushed to the emergency room today and can not walk, what kind of timing is our God up to? I don’t like it, but I’m not God. I will submit and be His; for I don’t know what else to do or where else to go. I’m learning daily that this life will let me down, it is not dependable and although I’m going to be completely honest and say I feel also like my God has let me down I know it is simply because I am human. The ways of our God can not be comprehended or figured out. He is God, He is Lord, and though I may feel like He has turned his back on me at times, I know he hasn’t! I know He is saying “Leslie I’m holding on to you so just look up, look up to me and you will see joy, look up to me and you will see peace, look up to me and you will see love, because I am all of these things”. There is no greater love than that of our Father. The only step I must make is putting my eyes on Him and not this world. I will not find peace, joy or love to fill my voids in anyone but the creator, Lord of all, everlasting King. He stands through out the ages, and He never passes away, and though I may feel failed, alone, cheated, and robbed, I am not, this will pass and the season will change. He has never left my side.”

         Although flash backs from the feelings in this note will never completely go away, the hurt will never leave and the missing faces from Holiday pictures will always be a fresh pain year after year; We serve a God that restores, heals and gives us strength through the pain. He has a map for our lives and has rest stops and adventures  already planned out.

My how things change....later that same year I wrote this note God sent me a surprise....

Blake walked into the doors of Pathway church at the end of that spring and right into my life. God used him to teach me how to laugh, love and dream again. As Blake listened to me talk for hours about everything from, teaching and mission work to moose hunting in Canada; he also listened with his heart as I spoke about Justin and Allen. He was never intimidated, never threatened. I often wondered if he had been trained on how to handle a widow because he was so sensitive and considerate of my needs. I was amazed. He wanted to respect not only me but Justin, who was this guy?. I remember Blake telling me he never wanted me to feel like I couldn’t express that I still loved Justin or feel like I couldn’t talk about him and the cherished times we had together. He also told me he wanted me to always keep those special things about Justin and I close to my heart and never let them go…. I was falling for this tall handsome, sweet, Godly man quick and anyone could see why. The truth is Blakes desire and love for God is what I fell in love with. He was obedient, patient and allowed God to use him. He has told me many times now, that some nights he would just drive off praying after we hung out because he had no idea what to say or how to act or if it was even okay to hold my hand. Hahaha.

       Some how as God was teaching Blake, he was teaching me and softening my heart also. The next challenge came when I realized I had fallen for a soldier of the U.S. Army! Planning to go on active duty I knew that my family had been through enough and my place was with them. Through countless tears and prayers I finally came to the peace that if God wanted us together He would make a way to give us both a peace, a compromise. It wasn’t long after this prayer that the small window of time for Blake to go National Guard became available. That’s all I needed; It was our sign. We grew closer and God brought us together. The proposal and ceremony is another blog in itself but it was so special, it was hard without my big brother but I believe he was somehow there in spirit, smiling.. I could feel the presence of God and I knew what a gift, a second chance at life and love I had been given and the gratitude in my heart was so strong. Deep down I know that Justin would love Blake. Sometimes I wonder if he and Allen had a part in picking Blake for me. Justin loved our Country more than anyone I have ever known and he loved our troops! Sitting in a restaurant in the airport on our way home from our honeymoon there was a man in uniform, Justin was determined the least he could do to show his appreciation was to buy this troops meal, so he did just that. This happened multiple times on our honeymoon in the airport, like I said Justin loved our troops =) I like to think now that was my small sign of Justins’ approval for Blake. I almost feel like Justin has bought Blakes meal as token of appreciation for not only serving our country but for keeping an eye and blanket of protection on me as well and for loving me. It’s such a unique love we have. Blake played baseball in high school and college so he somewhat remembers both my brother and Justin. Every now and then a honky tonk country song will come on and Blake will say “this song reminds me of Justin”  or "this reminds me of Allen" and at that moment my heart smiles because I know I have once again found that “once in a lifetime love”. To think that one could love not once but twice is hard to comprehend, I always thought for sure it would never be an equal love and I was right. Although I would never say I love one more than the other, I would say each love is so special and one of a kind, there is no way to ever compare one to the other and for that gift I am so thankful!  An outsider looking in would probably think this was crazy, all messed up and just strange but to me it’s my life, it’s unique and has been given by God and in it’s own way it is a beautiful mess.

        Looking back on 2011 I had a blessed year. I married and fell in love with an amazing man. I had plenty of crazy, fun adventures with alligator hunting, skiing, and fishing! In 2011 I also had some battles with my physical body as well. Sometimes it takes pain in the physical for God to teach us more in the spiritual. I always try to remember, when we are our weakest, we allow Him to be the strongest. I'm so thankful God has allowed me to write a little brighter note this New Years also! So this 2012 let us all remember to not wish our life away with all of our goals and resolutions but be thankful for each day, each love, each memory and each blessing big or small that He gives us. Let us heal with His power in the body and soul, let our faith and trust be ONLY in Him and let us not fear the future but fear the Lord.for that is the beginning of wisdom. (Prov. 9:10) 
Happy New Year to Everyone!
Leslie 

Thankful

Just before having one of the strongest prayers  ever prayed over me, my dad said he heard recently an amazing point; "what if everything you did NOT thank God  for today  was taken away tomorrow in a split second...what would you have left? Would you have anything left?" Needless to say during that prayer we thanked God for everything.. Including my health which hasn't been the best lately... When things are put into perspective everything appears so different. How many days go by and I say my same "thank you God for this day and everything you have given me... now I Ask for you to....."" lets face it, we all get a little lazy with our prayers sometimes, especially the "Thanks" part and we skip right on to the "please get me out of a bind" part...Although I mean what I'm saying, I know in my heart I could do a little better or a LOT better....During this prayer and time of reflection,  I realized I have so much more to thank Him for than to ask Him for...I started focusing on every single blessing, big or small, from the ac/heat to the food in my frig, to the pillow in my bed, to the many clothes I don't need. I thanked him for my amazing husband Blake, my parents & all the wonderful people who have also lifted my family up in prayer so many times.
    Instead of focusing on a droopy eyelid that's been going on since September and an eye ball that hasn't been able to look straight because it has been completely stuck looking to the right; I thanked God for my vision, for my body, health & for this life I have done nothing to deserve.. I thanked him for my ability to walk, run and breath.
    A dear friend of my family told me the night before, he had a dream. He said he is not one to dream things and tell people but God had placed this on his heart. He said he dreamed that my uncle which was an evangelist placed his hands over my eyes and prayed over me. When he was done, I opened my eyes and they were perfect. He wasn't sure if this meant my uncle needed to pray over me or if I just needed hands placed on me. He will never know what this vision meant to me.. through the tears I laughed and said well "Ill let everyone pray over me until we get it right!" we all laughed but I was serious! =)
       I know the presence of God was in that room and working through my dad and mom praying and faithfully laying hands on me...I have seen people get healed and heard about it all my life but I have personally never experienced it in my own body. I know God does not always work the way we want him to and He has His own way of doing things. Since September I have woke up every day waiting on my miracle. Every morning I have woke up praying I would only see one set of numbers on the clock or one door in my bedroom and nothing had changed. I was beginning to wonder if this again would be a new normal in my life? I knew deep down, that all I needed was such a small touch from Him and that would give me relief and peace over my body like He has supplied so many times before. 
      The next morning I woke up like everyday thinking I'm not even going to look in the mirror because nothing has probably changed; however before getting dressed I glanced up & noticed something different.  My eye was not only not drooping, it was able to look straight! I snapped a quick picture and text it to my dad because I was sure it wasn't going to last but it was still exciting; however, God proved me wrong! My eye was better all day! It has continued to get better each day! Who knows what will happen in the future,  it's not perfect still but I know now I'm counting my blessings however they may come. Some may say it's the medicine, others may say it's the diet change and many vitamins but I believe it's only one thing and that is God. He has the power to work through whatever tools he decides to use or use no tools at all. I  know one thing, I am now trying a new method of prayer! God is so good and He deserves so much more than a "thank you" when things seem to be going good. He expects our praise through the storms of life as well.  So lets all keep in mind this Holiday season and everyday of the year how blessed we are and how much we have to be thankful for; because in reality we did nothing to deserve what we have, It was given as a free gift from God.! And remember the true battle is already taken care of so  just let God be God! (much easier said than done I know, that's why we have faith)
God Bless! Psalm 28:7 The Lord is my strength and my shield: My heart trust in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart exalts. And with my song I shall thank Him.


I wrote this the weekend before thanksgiving but was at the camp with no reception. Also this all happened the weekend of Justin's Birthday, just thought the timing was neat!